Saturday, 23 February 2013

Emotionless

This is a sensitive topic for me to touch on but I just felt like writing today... And what better place to write on, than my blog which I haven't haven't updated in ages!

I usually read posts about fathers... "Appreciate your father, for one day they won't be in this world", "My father is my hero", "I am my dad's little princess" etc. Unfortunately I feel like I don't relate to this post. It hurts me deep inside to even admit that to myself, never mind admitting this to the world...

Don't take me wrong, I love my father. Thanks to him I am in this world and thanks to him I am where I am and I have what I have in life. But quite frankly that's all I can think off in terms of my dad...
I wish I could have more. I wish I could have his affection. I wish I could have his time. I wish he could care about me and show me love just like I see my friends receiving love from their fathers.
I wish I could still have the right to say that besides my age and beside how much time has passed, I am still "Daddy's little girl"... Maybe he has his own way of showing this, as we all know by now, not everybody is the same. But can a father really be this different?

When did this happen? When did things start falling apart?

I remember when I was your little girl and we would always spend weekends together. We would always go on trips together. You always buy me toys and gifts. You always made valentine's day special to me by buying me roses. We would go to work together. We would have discussions about soccer. We would watch the news together. We would play tennis. We would listen to music together. Celine Dion and Don Williams were your favourites. We would go out for lunch/dinner together, without it feeling like it was a business meeting. I was your daughter. You had hope and faith in me. You believed that I could be anything i wanted to be and you always pushed me to follow my dreams. But then somewhere along the way everything just changed... Maybe no one is to blame, but everything changed.

Now I can't even have a simple conversation with you. Just the thought of being with you makes me cringe. Now I don't get to feel as special anymore. I don't have your approval for anything I do in life. I don't get play tennis with you, nor travel with you, nor listen to music with you, not even a single chance to spend genuine quality and happy time with you. Now things are not the same. We are strangers to each other.
Maybe I am to blame. Maybe time just went by too fast and we didn't have a chance to catch up with each others life....

What happened to us? You used to be my father.... I used to be your daughter...

You provided me with shelter, clothes, a good education, some luxuries... But I need more than that. I need love. Love from my father. One of the two people that made it possible for my existence in this world. I need YOU, my father beside me. Listening to me during my tough times in life. Picking me up whenever I feel down. Patiently telling me where I went wrong and leading me the right way in life. I need YOU, my one and only father...



3 comments:

  1. I love the emotion behind this and I can really feel that you are hurting inside..and something is missing..
    I think that you have taken a big step by acknowledging that there is something missing. something more...
    I hope it all works out for both you and your father..but in the mean time..keep your faith :)
    bjss

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    1. I will! One thing i've learnt in life is to never stop having faith...

      Thank you for caring and understandingDenise, it really means a lot!
      Beijinhos pa ti minha querida*

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